i finally cried out of exhaustion. i would rather have a loser boyfriend who spends his time with me than with someone like chap who's never with me when it counts. how many times have i already let it pass? how many times have i already forgiven him? too many, i think & i'm tired of it. i finally let it all out. i cried.

i cried when no one was watching. the house was still and the tears just fell. i couldn't help it. i didn't want to. i felt so alone. i had no one & i wouldn't even dare blame chap for it. it's all my fault after all. i chose him & that's the way he is. i can't change him & i won't change him. the only thing that really saddens me is the fact that he's not willing to change, not even for me. after all those times that we cried together, the only thing that has changed is that i, for once, cried by myself for reasons he doesn't even know of... or maybe he does. he's just too afraid to admit it & i'm too afraid to tell him.

change is constant. it's inevitable. that's the biggest lie in my relationship with chap. he's too comfortable now. change will only ruin everything but i want it. i want to whirl in a wind of surprises and ups and downs. i want the roller coaster ride. i want to paint my nails deep red and jump off a cliff. i want change... but wanting the inevitable at this point is also wanting the impossible.

i need the impossible. :c